So I am sure you have all read the article clogging newsfeeds on Facebook right now about why a mother won't make her son share. My husband and I discussed the article together and came to some very scary conclusions. I feel strongly about getting out my little 'rant,' if you will, but I didn't want to fill my family blog with these sort of off the wall posts so I am using this sad little blog I started with great intentions...and have just left to wilt. It's a novel, but something I felt very strong about.
THE BIGGEST UNANSWERED QUESTION:
One of the major issues of this article that she does not address at all is age. She points out that her son is in preschool so we know his approximate age, but she refers to younger children also which I can only assume are toddlers. In my opinion, this encompasses two different sharing approaches. Surely, she understands that when talking about these two age groups that sharing rules would not be an easy blanket rule. A parent needs to understand that it is often a process to work through sharing with a toddler because they are egocentric, and by nature, selfish. A parent of a preschooler needs to begin helping them understand the feelings of those around them that are impacted by their selfishness. Though I find it a lazy approach, I can see how a toddler might be allowed to adhere to the 'my kid never has to share' rule. But be careful, toddlers quickly become preschoolers. If it isn't a continuous work in progress, your child will be shell shocked when they turn three and are all the sudden supposed to share everything. I have an eighteen month old that understands sharing. Does she particularly like it, no, but she gets it. We practice all the time. It's exhausting walking her through a sharing struggle every couples of minutes with her sister, but when she becomes a preschooler I can only imagine that my job will be so much easier because of my diligence right now. I find it highly inappropriate that a parent would not expect more sophisticated sharing from a preschooler than a toddler. Quit underestimating your child's ability to understand the importance of sharing.
WHO'S REALLY THE 'ENTITLED' CHILD HERE:
The first story she tells in her article is about the toddler playing on the playground when an older child wants the toy. The mothers remark is abysmal at the playground about the kid not sharing, and I would have been equally offended. In this case, I wouldn't expect a toddler to share with an older unfamiliar preschooler either. But lets flip the ages and say that it was this author's preschooler sitting there playing with his toy and a younger toddler wanted to play. I'm going to guess that she still would not make her older child share. For story's sake, say the toddler is enamored with her preschoolers toy. Every time his mom helps him up to the slide platform a fit ensues because he wants the toy of the preschooler sitting up there playing. This goes back to the issue of age that I mentioned earlier. Does she expect a toddler to understand this 'hard lesson.' What an insensitive mother to allow your child to ruin another families trip to the park because your child won't share. Who is really acting like the entitled kid here? The toddler with minimal communicating skills or the preschooler sitting there with his toy, knowing that he can be as showy as he wants because he doesn't have to be kind or share? Can she not see her own hypocrisy? She is teaching her son that he shouldn't feel bad for not sharing, because he is entitled to be selfish. The toddler goes home to bed and forgets that 'hard lesson'....but the preschooler, it's not so easily forgotten. If it were actually my child in the situation I would have given them the choice to share. However, if they chose not to, then the toy gets put away. Why? Because I don't think I am entitled to do whatever I want at a park when it means ruining another families visit.
How about the story of her son at the gym when he wouldn't get out of the car for the younger child? The other mother, from what we can assume, politely asked if he would give a turn to her toddler. He completely ignored her and rode the car for an hour and half. I am appalled that she doesn't think her child was the entitled one in that situation. He thought he was entitled to sit in that car, monopolizing the use of it for an hour and a half, and worse...it wasn't his to begin with! They are at a public place that I most likely bet they didn't have VIP status at, but rather the same admission as the other child. This preschooler knew he didn't have to take turns....even with something that didn't belong to him!! Beyond that, what really cooks my goose in this situation is the fact that she seemed so humored by her child's disrespect for another adult. You can call it 'stranger danger' if you want. I call it entitlement.
She is so wrapped up in the fact that 'kids these days' are so entitled that she going to take it upon herself to teach everyone else's kids a lesson. What she is missing is how selfish her own child is becoming. Why isn't she more concerned with the lessons of her own child? Speaking of lessons...
QUIT MAKING RULES AND START TEACHING LESSONS:
She is so caught up on this no sharing rule, but I feel like she is missing a huge point. I understand why her son's school has this rule. There has to be a hard, fast rule so that there is no gray area for parents to blow out of proportion. But I offer this point...sometimes, the gray area is where kids learn the most compassion and empathy. I have taught in a preschool as well as elementary schools. I KNOW rules are necessary, I am very strongly opinionated about how much kids need rules and routine. However, because of the entitled generation and the parents that created it, we have taken the most important part out of teaching and parenting: discretion and discernment. While teaching public school it was a policy that we could not send a kid home until we saw their vomit. SAW IT!! As a teacher, please know that we can tell a difference between a child that is miserable and needs to go home and a kid that ran to the bathroom because they are nervous about a test and pretended to throw up. But those two kids, thanks to this black and white rule were treated the same. I think sharing should be approached the same way. Each situation is unique and needs its own discernment. Does that mean we often have to help kids work through problems, yes. But the beauty is that if you do this enough early on, by the time they get to preschool or elementary school they begin finding their own voice of discernment. Are there times to stand up for yourself, of course. Other times its ok to be understanding because a friend is having a really bad day and they need a gentle approach. We use this little inside voice all the time as adults (at least I hope you do). We are so set in our rules that we aren't teaching kids lessons. What lesson in compassion are we teaching kids that never have to share! I want you two consider these two scenarios I have created:
On the playground Susie is playing with the baby doll and all the sudden gets a bloody nose. In a panic, she throws the baby down and runs to the teacher. Lucy jumps up seeing her moment and snatches the baby up since she did after all put it down. As a teacher, you want to know what I would probably do. Noticing that Lucy was being selfish and showing no compassion, I would ask her to walk with us to get some wet paper towels so Susie isn't alone, then ask her if she would be willing to sit next to Susie and see what she could do to help her feel better. You know what MOST of the time in my experience would happen. Once the nosebleed was gone, Lucy is most likely going to either hand the baby back over, the girls will begin to play together with the baby, or they both will abandon the baby. What a lesson for Lucy to learn such compassion and empathy. The best part, it didn't take any rules, lectures, adult involvement, tears, or fighting.
What if that toddler at the gym that wanted the red car is usually an aggressor. His natural reaction is to walk up and shove the kid playing with the toy that he wants. His mother is desperate to help him understand that he has to use words, not actions to communicate. She loads him up and takes him somewhere that she can shadow him and help him understand her point like the gym. He really wants to play in the red car, the same one he plays with every single time they come. Its taken so she sees her chance. She walks him over and helps him use words to ask for a turn, to which your kid just ignores him. So another great lesson to teach...you don't always get what you want. Although a tantrum ensues, she is determined so she distracts with something else. He is relentless, so after thirty minutes they try again, to which your child ignores another plea. Your older child that is showing zero compassion, but a whole lot of entitlement, has just been the one to prove to this toddler that if he could have just slapped him, he probably would have gotten out and ran to his mom so he could get in. The mother that you assume is raising this terrible entitled child? She is exasperated and crushed because she just wants to help her child understand that aggression isn't a suitable method for handling problems.
In the article she touches so many times on how we have to teach kids these lessons. These two examples are times when sharing leads to a very valuable lesson. Maybe it was your kid and maybe it was the other kid. Quit assuming that the single parenting decision you see someone make is a true depiction of the parent or the child. We are so concerned with making sure that someone else's child doesn't feel entitled that we are missing lessons with our own children.
THE FINE PRINT:
Here's where I will contradict myself. While I do always make my children share what they choose to take into public and play with, I NEVER allow them to expect the same of another child. WHAT?! Hear me out. My preschooler knows that if someone else has a toy, while it is okay to ask if she can also play, if they say no she must be understanding and walk away. Seems contradictory to making my child always share doesn't it? You want to know our reasoning? "They follow their rules and we follow ours." I am way more interested in the lessons that my daughter learns than what the kid that won't share learns. You see, my kid won't be the one that takes another child's toy and assumes they have to share also. This is a two sided lesson, and it's one we often learn in the 'real world.' Just because you choose to do the right thing, doesn't mean someone else will. If the parent of another child isn't interested in sharing with my child...that isn't my problem!! This is where I teach my children that you don't always get what you want, because my job is to teach my children...not yours.
I do have another exception. Both of my kids have a special something that is their 'off limits' item. For my preschooler, it was (and still is) her blanket. For my toddler, it is a stuffed fox. Both of these are their security items. If another child takes them, then I will help ensure, that if requested, they are given back. This mostly occurs as very young toddlers when communicating is limited. However, once they turn two they are no longer allowed to bring them everywhere we go, and still expect them to be off limits to others (obviously this is a process and not an overnight switch). On the rare occasion after two they are allowed to take them somewhere, it is with understanding that it may be messed with if it is out. They will usually always choose to leave it in the car. The same with other toys brought places. I don't ever allow another child to deface or ruin possessions of my child if I can help it, but I will try to help my child talk to them and see if we can get the toy back before it gets broken. If that doesn't work then I will alert the parents, because it's their job to deal with their child. Once again, as angry as it makes me that the child would ruin my kids toy, I am more concerned with my own child. So if it does actually get broke, that was one of the risks we talked about when they chose to bring the toy into public anyway. A hard lesson, of course, but a valuable one no doubt! Would you bring your best china to a tailgating party? Of course not, and if you do I bet it would only happen once.
The article is so centered around what this mother thinks other parents should be teaching their children. I think this just furthers the problem of parents thinking that their own children do no wrong. If it drives you insane that your neighbor doesn't mow their yard, do you try and get your point across by not mowing yours? That's just foolish and counter productive. The same goes for parenting. Stop pointing your finger at the mom that is doing a lousy job at making sure her kid can share and start making sure that your kid is doing a really good job at it! Help your child remember that time that someone took their toy and it made them so sad. Then next time they take a kids toy, there is a lesson in empathy waiting to happen.
I leave you with a few final thoughts. Does making sure your child never thinks he has to share create the kind adult you hope he/she becomes? Do you hope that your child is the most wealthy, cut throat, every-man-for-himself kind of person, or do you hope for things like compassion, empathy, a giving heart, healthy relationships? Every lesson you teach your child is a long term impression on their lives. You may think that my kids will be doormats, or push overs. I can assure you that I am a little bit of each of those things. While it provides its challenges, I hope that people would describe me as giving, loving, hospitable, and willing to lend a helping hand. While I am a meek person, I do know how to stand up for myself. How did I learn that if I was always made to share you ask? Through those hard lessons that I was taught while someone else's parent was trying to make sure I wasn't an entitled kid. Thank goodness my parents made me share.
